My October NYC Solo Trip

I've always wanted to photograph Halloween in the city, and I finally had the opportunity to do so. This solo trip was also a personal challenge for me. Staying by myself in NYC, away from family, with no one in the building to help me felt different from past experiences, like when I stayed in the hospital or worked on a wedding a few years ago where help was nearby.

I do know people in the city and have contacts there I could reach out to if needed. Thankfully, I hung out with a friend each day I was there, which helped a lot. I didn’t expect to last as long as I did on my own—we can be our own worst critics sometimes! I ended up walking about 70,000 steps over three days, with around 30,000 of those steps just on Halloween.

Next time Halloween falls on a weekend, I hope even more people will be dressed up during the day. There were a fair number of costumes, but in the city, it's sometimes hard to tell who’s in costume and who’s in their regular clothes!

I love NYC, and maybe someday I’ll live there. I’ve applied to many jobs in the area, but no luck so far. The city is always buzzing with art and history, and it’s a hub for street photography. I could go on about my trip and my love for NYC, but I just wanted to share a little something from the experience.

Also, I want to thank Julian Porcino for allowing me to stay at his place in the city, A great host, friend, and boss. If you ever need an interior designer please feel free to reach out to him he has me work with him on most of his projects.

Hike #35

 

Innisfree Garden is located in the town of Millbrook NY. Its a large property, to me its like Art Omi but rocks formations. Its very easy to walk and for the most part flat. There is a $10 fee so bring cash. Lots of cool rock formations and gardens. Massive tree and plans that I have not seen in Columbia County. The bridge is a bit wanky, so if you have vertigo dont go on it unless they have fixed it. lots of ferns and moss.

A Journey Through Darkness: My Life Over the Past Three Months

I know I haven’t posted in a while, but a lot has happened in my life over the past three months. My world changed drastically about three months ago. Before I delve into what happened, let me give you some backstory.

Growing up was challenging in some aspects, even though I had everything I wanted and needed. I had a loving, caring family and enjoyed school for the social aspects, art class, and a few other subjects. Our house was located near other kids, so I always had people to play with, as well as my Legos, toys, and games. However, beneath the surface, I was dealing with a lot. I had anger issues, a fear of dogs and storms, and hidden depression. I often cried myself to sleep and thought about ending my life, writing notes that I would hide. I wore a mask, telling people what they wanted to hear. Despite seeing many doctors for my anger and other issues, I never brought up my depression. It was my own secret burden.

Fast forward a bit, and anxiety entered my life, while the depression remained. I talked to a few people and posted semi-cryptic messages online about my depression, a cry for help. People reached out to my parents, and I began to slowly open up about my struggles. Over the past seven years, I saw several doctors for my depression; some helped, some made it worse. My anxiety was social, making it hard to meet new people and go to new places, something I still struggle with at times.

Now, let's talk about how my life changed three months ago. It was the end of the week (Thursday-Sunday), and my mind was descending into a very dark place. I struggled with my thoughts and feelings, and posted them on Clubhouse, changing my bio to reflect my despair. I even looked up ways to end everything, as I had been contemplating it for over 20 years. As my mind grew darker, someone reached out to my family, saying I wanted to hurt myself. People started reaching out to me, offering help, but in my state, I perceived their concern as attacks and pushed them away.

On that Saturday, my dad tried to snap me out of it. I went to sleep, and by Sunday, while watching a movie and relaxing, something in me decided it was time. I wrote a note and then went into the garage, put my head into a rope, sat there for a few minutes, but then put everything away and sat down to think. Since I was home alone, I looked up my bank balance, wrote a check for that amount, and made a post on social media saying I wanted to sell and give away everything I owned. Some people did not see the cry for help in my message, but most did. When my dad came home, I handed him the check and told him I wanted gun lessons to end my life.

After that, I finally gave in to his insistence on going to the hospital. As we were driving, all I could say was “drive to the bridge” over and over again. I spent a week in the hospital, which was an alright experience for the most part, except for the last day when they brought in some interesting people. I can share more about that experience if you’re interested.

During my time in the hospital and the following weeks, my mind slowly started to heal. My parents and I have been researching and finding programs and support for me, including getting an autism test. We found a paper indicating I had Asperger's years ago, but my parents never received the diagnosis. In the next few weeks, I will be tested to confirm this and figure out the next steps, as some programs don't have resources for autism.

I know I am an unusual person and likely on the spectrum, as I believe everyone is, to some extent. The reason I wanted to end everything was due to my internal struggles, not external factors. I have no clear direction or path in life, few real-life friends, and a sense of confusion about my future. I have goals and ideas but feel overwhelmed by the need to figure things out immediately, despite feeling both young and old at the same time. (By the way, I am seeing a therapist now.)

To add another layer to my journey, I met a girl in the hospital who has changed my life in many ways, sometimes adding to my anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I haven't touched a canvas or paint in over two months; my new obsession is vintage photos. Photography still brings in some money, and I am trying to resell items and do odd jobs while figuring out more about myself. My art hasn't been selling as well as my photography, leading to thoughts of destroying it all, but maybe the spark to paint will return.

So, yes, a lot has happened and is still happening in my life. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.